Heard at The Office: 9/5/2012

Me: "MS is sick and going to the doctor so she will not be in today."
Tori: "Must be that Disneyland! You know I was thinking that it's probably fairy mating season so there's a lot of extra pixie dust in the air and MS must be allergic to it! Woop Ha ha!"
Me thinking to myself: "What the heck? Who thinks up something like that!?"

Later that day:

Me: "MS called and she has bronchitis, but she will be in in the morning."
Tori: "Oh whooop! Well I hope she didn't get sick till after her trip with all that pixie dust in the air!"
Me (internally): "......You've got to be kidding me...."

The next day:

MS: *cough*
Tori: Wup! It sounds like someone got too much pixie dust in Disneyland! Huh Huh haaa!"

MS: *cough* *cough*
Tori: "Wup! There's that pixie dust again! Huh haaah ha!"

MS: *cough* *cough* *cough*
Tori: "Wup! There's that pixie dust! Huh haaah ha!"

MS: *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough* *cough*
 Tori: "Woop! There's that pixie dust again! Huh haaah ha!"

Me (thinking to myself): "She has freaking bronchitis you idiot! So she's coughing a lot. If you say pixie dust one more time I am going to punch you in the throat!"

Heard at The Office: 9/19/2012

MJ at the front desk: Great Salt Lake Council. How may I direct your call?
Lady calling in: Is Miss Trudie Kesler in?
MJ: Trudie is on her line. Would you like to hold?
Lady: Oh shit, oh shit, I guess I need to pay more attention while I'm driving. Sorry about that. I will need to call back. (hang-up)
MJ: (Wow, that was totally enexpected.)

Heard at The Office: 9/19/2012

Tori: "So it has always bothered me when people name their children Jesus." (She pronounces it as 'Geezus').

Me: ....................internally thinking what the fudge?!

Tori: "But you know it dawned on me that many Christians name their kids Christian, which shortened would be Christ. So hmmmm. That's interesting."

Me: .................... (imagine crickets in the background)................... while in my head I'm thinking: "Seriously? Geezus!?! It's pronounced 'Haysus' you ignoramus!"

Heard at The Office: 8/24/12

Me talking to Tori - What did you bring for the party?
Tori - I made these brownie like things.  They're supposed to be made with peanut butter but I used almond butter.
Me - May I have one?  They're very good.
Tori - I haven't really had one either (takes a bite).  Well, they don't taste like peanut butter! 
(To myself, if you didn't use peanut butter why are you surprised they don't taste like peanut butter?)

Tori - Today is  my son's bithday!
Me (trying to act interested) - Oh, how old is he?
Tori - I dont know!  Isn't that funny?
Me - You don't know how old he is?  Well, what year was he born?
Tori - I don't know!  Isn't that funny?  I don't know how old any of my kids are!  Hee, hee, hee.  Isn't that funny?  Hee, hee, hee.

Heard at the Office: 8/24/12

Me: *sneeze*
Me: "Excuse me."
Tori: "Sushi!!!?!!!?!!!" Hu Hu Haaah! "Did you just say sushi?" Hu Hu Haah!
Me: "No."
Tori: "It sounded like you said Sushi!"Huh Huh Haaah!
Me: "Hmm. It was excuse me."
Tori: Hu Hu Haah! Hu Hu Haah! "Sushi!" Hu Hu Haah!
Me: ..................................
Tori: "Normally I'd say gesundheit, but today I'll say something Japanese..." Hu Hu Haah!
Tori: "Hah, konnichiwa!"
Me: ..................................
Tori: Hu!
Tori: Hu!
Tori: Hah!
Tori: Haaah!
Tori: Hu!
Me: ..................................

5 minutes later:
Tori: Hu Hu Haah! Hu Hu Haah! "Sushi!" Hu Hu Haah!
Me: ..................................

Heard at the Office: 5/14/12

Tori: "Hello Delah, this is Tori from the GSLC of the BSA of the Salt Lake valley in Utah..." (...citizen of Earth, promoter of incessant whistling, hummer of all things Disney or commercial jingle, keeper of the faith... you get the gist. I thought it'd never end.). "I am calling to see if I can ascertain a document that was given to Ricardo regarding Title One Schools in Utah. Ricardo needs me to file a report to the (blah blah blah yackity shmackity)..... and I was wondering if it was logical that you, Dora, would have access to it in an electronic version?"

"Thank you, Darlah."

Apparently it's okay to use proper names even if they do not belong to the person with whom you are speaking.

9-1-1

Crazy lady comes in at 10:30 a.m.
Me: Can I help you?
Crazy lady: I've been driving around for 2 hours trying to find the sleep center!!! I have an appointment at 10:00. I can't believe there isn't a shack or booth anywhere with someone to give people directions!!!
Me: Where is the sleep center?
Crazy lady: At the University Hospital!!!
Me: Okay, go up this street and (she won't let me finish my sentence).
Crazy lady: I don't want directions. I want the police or someone to either take me there or at least someone I can follow!!!
Me: Do you want to call them? The phone book is there on the desk. Dial 9 to get out.
Crazy lady: (dials and hangs up). The call can't go through?!!! You can't dial 9-1-1?!!!
Me: Ma'am, that's not a 9-1-1 kind of call!
Nice man overhears the chaos and offers to let her follow him to the hospital.
A few minutes after they leave, a 9-1-1 dispatcher calls and asks about someone who is lost called from this number. Do I know anything about the call?
Me: Yes I know about it. Someone here offered to get her there.  I'm sorry that she called.
Dispatcher: It's okay.

Jonathan

Torie:  I was speaking with Jonathan about an idea I have about the window display.
Me: Oday, ... wait, you were speaking with who?
Torie: Oh, John Garrett.
Me: So you do know that his given name is John, right?
Torie: I just call him that.
Me: But you do know that his name isn't Jonathan, it's just John.
Torie: Yeah I know.

Heard at the Office: 3/21/2012

Geraldine:   "Is Fred in his office?"
Me:   "Yeah, he should be down there right now."
Geraldine:   "Okay, I'll go down."

two minutes later...

Geraldine:   "He wasn't down there."
Me:   "Oh..."
Geraldine (with a hint of irritation):   "You made me walk downstairs for nothing."
Me:   "Oh no!  I made you exercise!"

Heard at the Office: 3/19/2012

Me:  "I have a call for you, Captain."
Captain:  "Can I have it in the usual location?"
Me:  "That's what she said."

Heard at the Office: 3/16/12

Torisms:

Little Richard: "This guy is going to come pick these thing up."
Tori: "Tori knows him."
~
Mr. Ed: "I'll be back in an hour, I'm going to lunch."
Tori: "Sounds healthy."
~
Little Richard: "Oh you've met him?"
Tori: "Oh yes, Tori met him this morning while doing the phones."
~
Little Richard: "Can we do this?"
Tori: "Yes, Tori knows how to do it."
~
Little Richard: "If you could request that from him that would be good."
Tori: "Yes, Tori can get it!"
Little Richard: "Oh that's wonderful. Thank you Tori!"
Tori: "T for Terrific!"

Heard at the Office: 3/7/2012

Doug:   "Are those mannequins still up in the lobby?"
Me:   "What?!?!?"
Doug:   "There's a bag of mannequins by the door that someone is supposed to pick up."
Me:   "You're telling me this big, gray bag up here is filled with body parts?"
Doug:   "Yep, torsos..."
Me:   "That's disturbing..."
Doug:   "A guy named Irish something is gonna pick it up."
Me:   "That sounds suspicious..."

Heard at the Office: 2/23/2012

Me:   "How may I direct your call?"
Mrs. Moon:   "Mr. Moon, please."
Me:   "He's on his line, would you like his voicemail?"
Mrs. Moon:   "No, I need to know if he wants me to feed the horses!"

Heard at the Office: 2/10/2012

Receptionist: "How may I direct your call?"
Caller: "Hi I'd like to speak with Poopah please."
Caller: "Hi can you transfer me to Pahpah?"
Caller: "Peepee please."
Caller: "I'd like to speak with Pahpay."
Caller: "I need to speak to someone about my account, I think her name is Pippie"
Caller: "Paypee please."
Caller: "Pahpee."
Caller: "Pepe please."

Heard at the Office 2/10/12:

The scene: MJ is waiting for the bathroom which is currently marked "occupied".
"Hello MJ!" Steve exclaims as he walks out of the bathroom.
"Hi there," MJ replies as she makes her first steps toward the bathroom door.
"Oh! Let me just check something..." Steve muffles as he steps back into the bathroom.
...
This happens on several other occasions. What is he forgetting? Doesn't one usually 'check' things to make sure everything is in "order" before leaving the restroom to begin with?

Inquiring minds want to know...

Heard at the Office: 2/9/2012

"I have a question about the "Reptile and Amphibian Study" merit badge.  Does that also include hermit crabs?..."
-lady on the phone

Heard at the Office: 2/6/2012

"I'm only two degrees of separation away from Prince Charles!"
-Gerald